'I'm a virgin. But I'm the most promiscuous virgin I know'

Publish date: 2024-06-08

I’m a virgin. But I'm not in a relationship and until I find the right man for me, I just want to have sex and I'm starting to think about it all the time. However, I seem to be the most promiscuous virgin I know. I've gone so far (done practically everything else) and come so close many times to sex, showing I've got the will power to stop myself, but it's not fair on the guys. I feel I shouldn't be loosing my virginity to somebody that I'm not in love with. Does it really matter? Should I stay frustrated and wait for Mr Right?

Thank you for sharing what’s a common worry for many women (and men). Your longer letter (cut for publication) was a real tangle of thoughts and feelings, which is usual if you’re trying to decide what you’d like to do sexually. I’ll unpack them here to help you consider what, if anything, you’d like to do next.

Having ‘sex’

We assume that ‘sex’ means ‘penis in vagina intercourse’ and that this, in turn, defines virginity. As in, you are a virgin if you haven’t had intercourse.

But not everyone agrees so some people consider themselves not to be virgins after having enjoyed oral sex or anal sex – while others enjoy many sexual experiences that don’t include penetration and so describe themselves as not having had sex at all.

When people are asked to say what ‘having sex’ means, to them they’ll tell you a range of activities from masturbation, to kissing, to giving/ receiving oral sex, anal sex, sharing or enacting fantasies or talking about what you’d like to do together, or penis in vagina sex. And within these choices (and more), people will have particular favourites, things they dislike, and things they delay.

Your longer letter is clear about how your friends have had sex but equally stresses that you have not. Other readers might disagree and see you as a sexually active woman. What you haven’t had is penis in vagina intercourse, but have instead enjoyed a wider range of sexual pleasures.

Why is intercourse so important?

You clearly differentiate between penetrative sex and see this as ‘proper’, more important and significantly different to other pleasurable sexual experiences. Why might that be? Often people feel this way because of cultural and social messages from peers, media, family, some forms of sex education and religion. You might find writing down how you feel about what you’ve learned about sex and relationships helps you work out where these ideas come from and how they are affecting you.

You say: “Some of my friends have already had sex and they tell me to wait until I'm in a relationship” and “My mother wants me to wait until I find 'the right one' and even then I know she hopes I will wait till marriage to have sex”. So you are hearing clear messages from people about how they think you should behave. You may want to consider why and how their opinions are having an impact on your behaviour and whether this is helpful or not.

Listening to friends and family can be really useful, but sometimes it can confuse us further. Leaving aside what others think you should do, can you consider these different scenarios and imagine what would happen if you:

Fear and regret

Some people avoid penetrative sex because they fear it will be painful or isn’t appropriate if they are not in a long-term relationship. Others make a positive and informed choice to share penetrative sex with someone special to them. While still more (particularly young women) feel if they don’t have their virginity to ‘offer’ they will be judged negatively or considered less valuable. Do any of these apply to you? If so thinking again about why you hold these views and how they may not be helping you would be a good idea.

You say: “I feel like I shouldn't be loosing my virginity to somebody that I'm not in love with. Does it really matter? Will I really regret it?” And here it may help you to unpack what regret would mean – is it about you feeling you’ve done something that can’t be undone? It may help you here to consider if you’ve had the same thoughts about the other pleasures you’ve enjoyed to date, and if not, what is different about those?

If you are struggling with fear, anxiety or worries about potential regrets and/ or if your concerns about penetrative sex arise from past abuse or concerns over pain you may want to explore these with a counsellor if you are at college. Your GP can also refer you to a counsellor on the NHS if you are in distress although waiting lists and availability varies across the UK. You can also talk to someone at Brook or find out more about sex generally and virginity specifically at:

The Virginity Project

Scarleteen

Frustration

You make several mentions of being sexually frustrated and asking if this is due to not having penetrative sex. It may be that yes, you would now prefer to do something different. Or perhaps the fact you’ve built intercourse into something so important yet unattainable is causing you to feel anxious instead. Maybe the fact you are undecided is a sign that this isn’t something you’re ready for yet.

It may be your frustrations are equally, if not more, about the kind of relationships you are experiencing. It may help you to list for yourself the kind of things you’d like from a relationship and what you hope to enjoy in a relationship whether it’s short or long-term. You could also talk to friends about what relationships you might enjoy.

Elsewhere in your letter you mentioned about how you might deal with frustration and that could include sexual pleasure on your own including reading about or writing fantasies, exploring masturbation or considering sex toys.

'It’s not fair on the guys'

It interests me that you view what has happened with your experiences to date as being ‘unfair’ on the guys. How so? Have they told you this? Or could it be they may have enjoyed the experiences?

From what you’ve described you explored pleasure together and it didn’t end in intercourse because you didn’t want it to – which either they felt the same about or happily respected. Why then assume that you somehow owe them more?

It is fine for you to continue having sex without penetration, or to have penetrative sex in or outside a long-term relationship if this is what YOU would like. It may be thinking about why you feel the need to provide something other than you’re currently completely set upon could be impacting on your relationship choices and thinking about intimacy. It may also help reflect on some of your other conflicted feelings like: “I’m increasingly putting myself in situations where I can have sex but don’t because I feel I shouldn’t”.

Writing about what is happening could help you see it more clearly – as might considering what advice you would give a friend describing a similar situation to you.

If you do have intercourse

Some people find making penetrative sex into a big issue results in them just deciding to get it over with. Others continue to delay and wait until they feel completely ready. If you have decided this is a big issue for you, for whatever reason, then it may be more appropriate for you to have intercourse with someone you trust and can communicate with – whether or not you are in a long-term relationship with them.

And because you describe being in situations where you may have intercourse as the norm for you currently it would make sense for you to sort out contraception (and think about safer sex whether or not you are having vaginal intercourse) just in case in all this reflection one day you simply find yourself having penetrative sex.

I can’t decide for you

When people write in with questions like yours it would be lovely if I could say ‘do this’ and make decisions for them. Usually this is impossible and in your situation that’s definitely true. I can’t tell you what to do any more than your mum, friends or lovers can.

You can make relationships and sex to suit your needs, preferences and limits. The fact you’ve thought so carefully about this is a great sign you can work out what you would like. As is the ability you’ve shown to negotiate the kind of sex you want up until now. Use these to help you in the future but don’t feel you have to wait for one ‘right’ person, make yourself have penetrative sex before you are ready, delay until marriage, or avoid no-strings or long-term relationships unless any of these are what truly appeal to you.

Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. She is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.

Email your sex and relationships queries in confidence to:agony.aunt@telegraph.co.uk

Petra cannot print answers to every single question submitted, but she does read all your emails. Please note that by submitting your question to Petra, you are giving your permission for her to use your question as the basis of her column, published online at Wonder Women.

All questions will be kept anonymous and key details, facts and figures may change to protect your identity. Petra can only answer based on the information you give her and her advice is not a substitute for medical, therapeutic or legal advice.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7tbHLnp6rmaCde6S7ja6iaK%2BforKve9Ker2hpYGyFeIGQcmaCpV2Were10aCgp2Zdd8K1eaimZK2glWK6sL%2FTZqerp52ewKTBzq6qZq6Zp7SquoyCZKSmn6x7qcDMpQ%3D%3D